July 1st, 2020
Sometimes, people just need a really big problem broken down to its simplest form. So I’m going to try.
For a long time, my way of living — my entire system — was broken. And I refused to address any of my problems in a fair way, to myself or others. This led to pain, and anger, and guilt, and every other noun it takes to get to the Dark Side.
I kept telling myself, for years and years, that “not every drink was a bad drink”; but the way that I used drinking was rarely for its intended purpose (for lack of a better term). I used a drink for every tool that I lacked in my life; as I’ve learned, I was lacking most of the tools required for a healthy, successful adult.
So I had to change. I wish I could say that the changes were small; but I had to absolutely defund my way of life, and use the time that allotted to make myself better.
Where I used to drink, I now try to help.
Where I used to drink, I now use my words.
Where I used to drink, I now ask for the things I need.
Where I used to drink, I now try to be honest.
Who I am as a person didn’t drastically change; the way I acted and reacted did. My ability to learn and adjust and adapt did. My shed, which was once just full of cobwebs and half-empty bottles, now has a full shelf of tools that I (mostly) know how to use; and I know where the drawer full of manuals is for the ones I don’t.
But none of this came from keeping things “normal.”
“Normal” did not work.
“Normal” was killing me.
And if you’re glad that I’m still here, then know it was only because I defunded the parts of myself that were destroying me — and that I had to build new parts to make a better self, and give myself a life.