November 28th, 2023
“I am not fine. I don’t know how to tell people that, but I’m not. I also don’t see the benefit in being honest about it, because I don’t see a way that it will help me feel fine. If everyone knew how to feel that way, then we just would, wouldn’t we? We would share how to be fine and there would be a book about it, a book that worked for everyone, and we would all just be very fucking fine.”
– Push, Chapter 2
I have found it very difficult to write essays about Push this month. (This is only the second attempt, if you’re keeping score.)
As one of my least read books, I find myself still wanting to keep its secrets, wrapping the twists and turns in thick, opaque paper that a future reader will need to tear open from the corners to experience.
The subject matter isn’t shiny, either. In a world defined by trends like “quiet quitting,” Push explores why someone would quiet quit their life.
The above quote distills a little of that. We hide in the small talk, and when we talk about small things, we diminish ourselves.
“‘And how does not feeling anything make you feel?’ she asks. This question haunts me.”
Which makes me a hypocrite by not talking more about it.
Because talking about big things saves us. Talking about hope and our dreams and what we believe in and tomorrow is what connects us and reaffirms our humanity.
It’s not that I don’t talk about these big things. Some of you are here right now because that’s what I do. It’s just that the story in this book needs all the context it can get, because life is messy and chaotic and just doesn’t make sense sometimes.
“‘I think it’s beautiful,’ she says. ‘I wish you would have told me what you believe in.’
I had never really thought that how I felt about dreams was a belief.
‘And I think,’ she continues, ‘that what we don’t share with each other can be the thing that kills us.'”
Ultimately, that’s what Push is about: what keeps us here when it feels like we’re barely hanging on. It’s a terrible pitch for a book; it’s near impossible for me to sell on any given day.
But it is one hell of a way to live.
And it was a definitive story for me to tell.
The Den 