Manual Transmission

May 6th, 2024

One of the best parts of sobriety (and there are so many good parts; for example, I remember what happened every day for the past six-and-a-half years for better or, occasionally, for worse) is that most of the lessons I’ve learned while recovering have nothing to do with sobriety at all.

I want to share one with you that I can’t live without.

To say I was scared in the beginning is a laughable understatement.

I was lying in a hospital bed, growing an awful beard for the second time in my life, completely broken, repeatedly making the realization that I was going to have to put myself back together, and do my best to leave the many bad pieces out.

I am not LEGO, nor IKEA furniture. There is not a manual for me. Sure, there are people and places and ideas that can help, but there isn’t a one-size-fix-all Band-Aid for a drunk riddled with bullet holes.

I didn’t come back to my senses all at once (and you could convincingly argue that I still haven’t); at one point during my luxurious hospital stay, I suggested that maybe after a year of sobriety, I could have a drink to celebrate.

It’s hilarious, but in the moment, that idea actually kept me sober, and it’s the idea I want to share with you.

When you lie awake in bed at night, feeling anxious and stuck in your life, just remember: what you do today isn’t what you have to do forever.

That has been my key to change.

The idea that I had to completely destroy and rebuild my entire existence was beyond terrifying. It was not possible. I could not imagine it, and I have a wild imagination.

But the idea that I could take a step back if I didn’t like the change allowed me the courage to take that first step at all.

Your life today may not be your life tomorrow, and it will definitely not be your life forever. The way you swim determines how you move through the water. And this idea has nothing to do with sobriety, but it keeps me sober. It keeps me working on myself; it holds me accountable, because as certainly as I can change for the better, I can more easily change for the worse.

But when I do change for the worse, all it takes is one day, tomorrow, to let me change it again.