May 1st, 2024
It’s natural to reflect on your birthday.
It’s natural to daydream about your earliest moments, lying on coarse carpet, following the sunlight as it sings through the tiny glass prism your mom hung in the window, leaving stains of every color in the palm of your hand; it’s natural to anxiously dwell on a worm hiding in the core of an apple, the inevitable conclusion of our entropy, this impending black death.
That’s natural, guys. I think a lot on birthdays.
I’m thinking about a hug I saw on Friday night.
I was at a show and the crowd was very young, except for the people sitting on the balcony who, excuse my French, looked pretty old. I watched them and realized that they were family members of the musicians performing that night.
A tall guy, unruly hair, hugged his mom tight as photos were snapped. His face was a mix of embarrassment and pride and stupid love and I knew that face well, because it used to be my own.
Every time I did something to express myself growing up, my mom was there to embarass me, to be proud of me, and to love me stupidly. Every performance, every publication, every birthday.
Since 2020, the year she left, I have done a lot of work. I don’t know if it’s good or bad or (god forbid) just mid, but I do know it exists. I pretend that I don’t know why I’ve been working so hard, but I do.
I keep thinking: if I can make something extraordinary, she’s going to have to come back to tell me.
This makes no sense. Unless, of course, you have wildly fluctuating self-esteem, an unreasonable amount of self-doubt, and you’ve lost someone who you’d give up a handful of your sanity to see again.
In a normal essay, this is when I would admit that I know working this hard won’t bring her back, I am Kenough, and that I’m going to reconsider my priorities and slow down.
But it’s my birthday and I will do as I please.
No, my broken brain wants to double down and increase production; to keep writing words that matter to me; to continue drawing pictures and playing songs; to go out and meet people who love art, and help them create it, too.
Not because I have anything to prove to myself. I’ve made peace with me, the decent parts and the monstrous pieces. And not to bring her back, either.
No, I just want to prove she was right.
I want what she saw in me to be true. I want the nice things people have said to me this week to be true. I want to be embarassing and proud and stupid in the service of love.
When we meet again in the dark, I don’t want to say I left anything out. I said it all, in the way only I could.
Nothing could be more natural.
Dennis’ Birthday Mixtape 2024, featuring 39 songs for no reason at all. [Mix available on YouTube]
1. May 1st – Beach Fossils
2. May 1 – Archipelago
3. Papercuts – Landon Conrath
4. The City – The 1975
5. Heaven is a Place on Earth – Belinda Carlisle
6. Gettin’ Old Rock & Roll – Wildermiss
7. The Kintsugi Kid – Fall Out Boy
8. Quiver – Dora Jar
9. Love Will Never Do (Without You) – Janet Jackson
10. Losers Club – Durry
11. King of Wishful Thinking – Go West
12. Westworld – Evan Giia
13. Overcome – Nothing But Thieves
14. Me Myself & I – 5 Seconds of Summer
15. Obsessed – Mallrat
16. Reds – Michigander
17. Straight Up – Paula Abdul
18. Heartbursts – Lucius
19. Novocaine – The Band CAMINO
20. Weak In Your Light – Nation of Language
21. Casual – Chappell Roan
22. in the wake of your leave – Gang of Youths
23. Coffee – Sylvan Esso
24. Magic – Coldplay
25. Reflections – Atmosphere
26. Geronimo – Sunnysmack
27. Cough Syrup – Young the Giant
28. First Single – The Format
29. Dancing On My Own – Robyn
30. Tear In My Heart – twenty one pilots
31. I Want You – Savage Garden
32. Care – Beabadoobee
33. No Shoes in the Coffee Shop – Hot Mulligan
34. how to exit a room – The Maine
35. You Ruined Me – JC Chasez
36. Superspreader – Ber
37. all my ghosts – Lizzie McAlpine
38. Sugar & Spice – Luther Vandross
39. Mad World – Gary Jules
The Den 