December 11th, 2020
I’ve been thinking about the green-eyed monster lately. (I’m talking about jealousy, not the Hulk, but I also think about the Hulk often.)
I’ve been a jealous person for most of my life. A lot of what I created in my twenties came from the twin intertwining roots of jealousy and control. The first song I ever wrote in high school was on the topic, and it was written by a person who had never actually experienced it in an exterior reality, but permanently lived it inside his head.
It might not come as a revelation to anybody else, but it did to me when I realized on my own that jealousy is a direct descendent of insecurity, like anger or hate is born of fear. I think the deepest people tend to dig on that insecurity is skin-deep. It’s what you can or can’t do. It’s what you look or don’t look like. It’s the relationships you have or don’t have.
Imagine a camera on a tripod. Now imagine the tripod has a broken leg. No matter how many times you set up the shot, the photo turns out blurry or crooked. Treating the near-surface reasons for jealousy is like buying a new camera instead of fixing the leg. Your sense of image in both cases will still be distorted.
Instead, you have to keep digging. And you get to the cold, hard bud of it all, and understand that your insecurity isn’t based on your ability to throw a football or write a song or bake a cake. No, it’s based in the idea that you, at the very core of your being, are not worthy.
Not worthy of time or space or love. Not worthy of consideration or conversation, of acknowledgment or accomplishment.
And if that sounds ridiculous — I agree.
It’s ridiculous that you don’t know how exquisite, magnificent and unique you are. You’ve survived 2020. You’ve survived your entire life so far. A constellation of cells in the shape you make had never graced the sky before you did, and will never be seen again.
Not only are you worthy — you are absolutely divine, regardless of what you believe.
I’ve been thinking about the green-eyed monster lately, but on better and more hopeful terms.
I’ve been thinking about all the ways that we can slay it.