March 21st, 2021
I’m used to losing little things all the time. I have to let go of small stuff on a daily, sometimes hourly basis.
In less than a year, I lost my job, a parent and my car. I would like to think that my practice of loss would keep me conditioned to properly process its natural occurrence, but it does not.
No, it still leaves me comically unprepared and catastrophically human.
I was very much stuck in my head all day long, reliving a moment from five months ago on a loop. The moment is only seconds long, but it’s one of the most vivid and crushing memories I possess.
I took a shower and found myself unstuck, free of the moment and ready to move on. On my way to work, I heard a new Justin Bieber song on the radio and burst into tears.
When something transforms into a pattern, becomes such a regular part of your existence, it should cease to surprise you in any way.
Such is not the case with grief.
And I found myself angry at Justin Bieber. Not in a vague way, but for that very specific manipulation of my emotions.
But I’m used to letting things go all the time. Little things, like forgiving Justin Bieber before I start my shift at work.