November 25th, 2022
There’s something you feel when someone ends their own life that feels either unnatural or completely understandable.
It’s something I’ve explored a lot, in essays like these, and in fictional characters like Liam, in the book Push, and Axis in The Weirdos.
I had the realization that I had said unnatural or understandable things when I was in a hospital room trying to get sober. They asked me if I ever talked about suicide, and I didn’t think I had, but I was mistaken. Regardless of whether I felt I had been serious or not, I had to get to the root of my thinking, and that grew into thinking emphatically about others who consider ending their lives.
The big question, of course, is why.
And there isn’t one answer.
I write about a lot of very personal things and I share them with you for free. I don’t share everything. I decide on the subjective basis that if something is important or universal or helpful that it’s my responsibility to try to put it into words.
I have said some dark things. They’re still there, if you scroll down. I’ve written dark lyrics and drawn dark pictures, and I think humans make a subtle disconnect from that which makes us uncomfortable.
I think, generally, people meet me and they think that I am always okay now.
In a weird sense, when I talk about the dark stuff, I don’t think people believe me.
And I think that might be a reason why we lose people sometimes.
I think posting impersonal phone lines for general help comes from a good place. But I also think a lot of hurt people don’t feel like the world believes them, and a person who doesn’t feel empowered doesn’t seek help.
I know I didn’t for a long time, and I am grateful when I meet someone who believes me.
Believes that there are days where I’m okay, and days where I am not, and knows that it’s not unnatural to have to talk to your shadow. But that you don’t have to talk to your shadow alone.
I know this time of year is hard, but I want you to know I believe you. And if you ever need help talking to your shadow, I am proficient in the language of darkness.