May 1st, 2022
It’s my birthday today. I put on the calendar “write something heart-wrenching, soul-baring, way too much, you know, like you used to” and who am I to argue with the calendar?
Living with the problem of addiction means I will always be hungry for more. This remains true in the case of time.
Last year, May was a hard month for me. I was born on the first day, my mom was born on the last, and they stick a day in the middle for mother appreciation; I woke up every May morning reminded that “moms are great and yours is dead.”
I didn’t say anything because the show must go on, and my life is just show business, baby.
I am a ridiculously nostalgic person. I know that nostalgia affects most human beings, but my entire life I have felt nostalgia for the moments I am in.
When I was a kid, I would look around on my birthday and think, “It’s not going to be like this forever.” As a teenager, I was constantly doing the math, counting down summers and class days and rehearsals and after-school shifts. In my twenties, I watched myself wash down any hopes of being a prodigal talent.
And through all of it, all I wanted was more.
More minutes, more hours, more days, more time, just like this.
And that would be my birthday wish. More.
I don’t know when it happened. It was slowly, almost imperceptible. But one day, instead of wanting one more year just like this one, I was grateful for getting the year I got.
Because who the fuck am I to have gotten all this good time?
I don’t know when this happens for most people; I know for a fact that it doesn’t happen to everyone. But I do know that once you figure it out, to be grateful instead of hungry, is when you finally start appreciating life on its own terrible terms.
And life is. Terrible, I mean.
It’s cruel and it’s mean and it pushes you around and it isn’t fair.
And the only way to beat it is to love and be kind and to hold people close.
So go celebrate your life today. Let yourself appreciate the gift you got when you woke up this morning.
Because who the fuck are you to get all this good time?