it sucks

November 25th, 2021

It sucks, but there is a lot to be thankful for.

This is the second round of holidays without my mom, and I am so excited to share that it gets 100% easier and that, after year one, there are no struggles or bad feelings or mornings I wake up crying for no reason.

I’m kidding, of course. I am very funny like that.

I’ve thought about the phrase “it sucks” a lot over the past four-hundred-ish days. For whatever reason, “I’m sorry” is the go-to phrase we use when someone tells us something bad has happened.

It doesn’t really make sense, if you think about it. Almost universally, we had nothing to do with the person’s bad news. We have nothing to apologize for. (Unless you do. By all means, be sorry then.)

I found that there were two sentiments that felt a lot better to hear, and the first was “it sucks.”

Because it’s so simple. And true. And the word “sucks” is so versatile.

It felt like a vital part of me had been sucked out from the inside. It felt like pieces of my natural happiness and joy had been sucked away by a death-shaped vacuum. It felt like a matte-black void was following me like the moon, living in the sky, sucking away at the reality I knew.

It sucked.

And hearing that mirrored back at me felt like the realest thing a person could say.

The other thing that was said to me was equally simple, by a co-worker. They said: “Well… I’m glad you’re still here.”

It took me by surprise and was equal parts hug and gut punch. I knew from that moment on that was going to my go-to phrase, alongside “it sucks.”

It sucks, but there is a lot to be thankful for. And I’m grateful for every single person who is still here, and grateful for the time I got with the people who are not.

I’m grateful for the finite amount of times I got to eat something my mom made today. For the limited amount of hugs I got. For the exact number of words we shared with one another.

I hope your weekend sucks — and that it reminds you how grateful you can be.