November 7th, 2022
“I don’t know if I’m strong; I think I’m just numb.”
– Khloe Kardashian
Today — and this week, and this year, and the past handful of years — I wonder how many of us have been embodying this Khloe Kardashian quote.
I don’t know the difference between strong and numb some days, and I often don’t know if there’s a difference from the outside.
The book Transitions by William Bridges talks about the three steps of change, and I have been overwhelmed by the second as of late.
The first stage is the Ending. Naturally, “every transition begins with one. Too often we misunderstand them, confuse them with finality — that’s it, all over, finished!”
The third stage of change is the New Beginning, which is exactly how it sounds, “…when we launch new activities.”
But I’ve been stuck in the middle, the Neutral Zone, the titular transition of Transitions, indefinitely.
It’s accurately described as “the second hurdle: a seemingly unproductive time-out when we feel disconnected from people and things in the past, and emotionally unconnected to the present.”
I am very emotionally unconnected to the present.
But because I’m doing it intentionally, I’m not sure if my position is one of strength, or one of numbness.
I don’t pray and I am bad at meditation, but I work daily on mindfulness, because my mind is a minefield and I need to know how to walk my way safely through it.
Disconnecting from my emotions allows me to see things as they are, and not how I feel they are.
I thought that relying on this mindfulness would bring tranquility but, in reality, it has absolutely burned me out.
I’m learning, once again, again and again, that balance is key.
I have to let myself feel things that don’t feel good — anger, sadness, fear — to remind myself who I am.
Because the Neutral Zone is “a time of reorientation.”
I have to transform back into a human being.