October 8th, 2021
It’s spooky season, so it’s finally appropriate that everything feels so ephemeral to me.
Sometimes loss feels like weight, but lately it has felt like nothing at all, smoke that used to be wood that you realize you never could have actually carried forever.
That scares me. When I was young, I felt a permanence to life. People and things lasted for a long time. But as my time here gets longer, and my perspective wider, I see how quickly you and I are here and then we’re not.
More loss solidifies this fog I’m in.
But before you think this is some deep abyss I’m chasing or falling through, it’s not. There is permanence here. It’s in the moment. There are people and things in front of you, that are here, now.
You can hold on to them forever, whatever forever means to you.
I used to dream about what it was, until the dream itself became forever. I don’t know what time it is there or how it passes. I can see whoever and do whatever I want. A dream makes me feel real feelings, making the dream as real as anything else.
I guess I’m just trying to find the permanence in the water that won’t stop running and the air that won’t stop moving; accepting that everything changes, but that doesn’t make what existed before meaningless.
If you’re feeling weight today, I feel for you. If you feel weightless today but no less anxious or worried, I am floating right alongside you.